Airplane Etiquette

I just started flying semi-regularly again after an 18-month COVID hiatus. Things have changed a little since the Before Times and I wanted to offer this short tutorial on the new airplane etiquette.

1. How to cut the boarding lineup

I confess I have zero respect for airplane lineups and I don’t apologize for it. Airlines have knowingly created a problem by charging people $50 to check baggage and then taking up to an hour to deliver bags to the carrousel, so now everyone wants to take their bags onboard. This means you are SOL* for overhead space if you board last** which in turn means doing whatever you can to board first, including line cutting. I used to be a pro at inserting myself into the front of my zone line. A favourite strategy of mine was to get in the line of people one zone ahead and when I was within a few people of the gate, I would recheck my boarding and look surprised, then step sheepishly to the side, waving people through. “I’m sorry, it’s not my zone yet, go ahead.” Then, when my zone is called, I’m at the front of the line! Less polite, but still effective, is to simply linger near the lineup markers and just drift into the line when your zone is called. Surprisingly, very few people will object. I’m a terrible person.

The COVID era made me rethink my boarding tactics – people are already stressed enough as it is – and I started lining up more respectfully. This thoughtful approach to boarding did not result in anticipated serenity, but it did enable me to discover another line-jumping tactic. It’s so simple. Look for people who are glued to their phones in the lineup. There is an almost 100% chance that the line will move and they won’t notice. At this point, look questioningly at them, shrug your shoulders as if to say “I guess they aren’t in this line” and just insert yourself in front of them (do not speak to them, or otherwise distract them from their obsession). I guarantee they will never notice. (This happened to me a number of times during my short stint as a well-behaved boarding passenger, and what I learned from it is that there is no reward for being a well-behaved boarding passenger.)

2. How to be a total bag on board

Three words: recline your seat. This is basic rage-inducing behaviour. Airlines have been chipping away at our personal space for decades, and nothing makes you more hated than reclining your seat to steal even more space from the person behind you. Are you really tired because you’ve been travelling for 18 hours and want to sleep? Don’t care. Are you tall and therefore uncomfortable in the tiny space you’ve been allotted? Still don’t care. Maybe the person behind you is also tall.

Reclining your seat pushes your chair-back right into the miniscule personal space of the person behind you. It makes it impossible for them to reach the bag they have stored under the seat, it means they can’t use a laptop because it can’t be opened it far enough to see the screen, and watching the in-flight entertainment is challenging because the screen is now 3 inches from their face.

There is very little that can be done about a seat recliner. I’ve complained to flight attendants when the seat back was literally a palm-width away from my face, and was told it was their “right” to recline (note to Americans: it isn’t). At best, I’ll share the discomfort by aggressively rooting around for my under-the-seat purse every 5-10 mins, bumping into their reclined seat every time I do. “Oh, sorry, were you trying to sleep up there? That’s a shame.” Yeah, I’m that person.

I’ve heard that in an attempt to take away even more space from travelers, airlines are toying with the idea of standing-room only short-haul flights (WTF airlines???). I guess the good news is that if you’re standing. nobody can recline into your face.

3. Getting off

Fortunately, it seems that deplaning hasn’t changed much (“deplaning” … is that a weird word, or is it just me?). People wait their turn as the passenger leave row by row. Most people will fuss around trying to get their overhead bags out in advance, resulting in some temporary claustrophobic overcrowding, but the alternative is being stuck being some doof while they fuss around trying to gather all their items and retrieve their overhead suitcase and coat. I think most people just want off the plane as soon as they possibly can so they can safely reclaim their personal space.

4. Conclusion: Airlines suck

After only 3 post-COVID (mid-COVID?) flights, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best way to manage airline travel is to just take as little on board as possible. Pay the fee and check your bags upfront, or take the free option and check them at the gate. Then it doesn’t matter when you board, and you don’t have to be a line-cutting jerk like me. You can even avoid lining up altogether and just sit comfortably in a chair until the final boarding call. Luxury! It also means you have marginally more space on board. We move too fast through the world these days, and it’s really not the worst thing ever if we have to wait a little longer for a suitcase to arrive at a carrousel.

That said, you still suck, airline companies!

*Shit Outa Luck

**Helpful tip for airlines: if you want people to surrender their bags at the boarding gate, instead of making a screechy announcement every 5 minutes to a group of already stressed out passengers, why not offer priority off-loading so that if you check your bag at the gate it gets to the carrousel within 15 mins? Or upgrade people to zone 1 if they agree to check their bag at the gate, since they won’t be using overhead bin space? Come on, airlines, this is easy stuff.