It’s hard to write funny when we are in our 10th month of COVID isolation and boredom, and I apologize in advance for that. At the same time, there’s a vaccine (actually at least three of them) and we are about to bid a not-so-fond farewell to the year 2020. Hello twenty-twenty-won, and goodbye twenty-twenty-lost! In honour of what will no doubt be a year of 2021 v 2020 comparative hopes and dreams and crap, I thought I would pit a few of our movies in a similar spy versus spy style contest. Let’s see who comes out on top.
The Philadelphia Story versus High Society
Winner: High Society, but really just because of Louis Armstrong.
Choosing between these two movies is tough. They are the same movie (literally, the exact same movie). On the one hand, The Philadelphia Story stars Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, and James Stewart. On the other hand, High Society stars Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly, and Frank Sinatra. However, High Society is also a musical (!!!) AND it includes extra-special guest star Louis Armstrong as part of the musical flair. One knock against High Society is that Grace Kelly’s love interests were respectively 14 and 27 years older than her, while the three leads in The Philadelphia Story are all in their mid 30s. This is a recurring theme in Hollywood as we all know. Older men = sexy and attractive, older women = yucky and invisible.
Meet Me In St. Louis versus Guys and Dolls
Winner: Guys and Dolls
Musical versus musical, another tough choice. Meet Me In St. Louis follows the everyday life (and love life) of the Smith family, including Judy Garland as one of four sisters, in the year prior to the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair. While it features a few familiar songs – Meet Me in St. Louis, Louis and The Trolley Song – it’s most renowned for Judy Garland’s rendition of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. (Quick bit of trivia – the original lyrics were significantly more sombre, and more apropos of 2020 TBH, but Garland thought they were too depressing and asked that they be rewritten.) Meanwhile, Guys and Dolls is a surprisingly charming movie, from the attempts by the “guys” to find a home for a floating craps game to the “dolls” either wanting to get married or convert everyone to the church. It also adds another entry to my growing list of favourite Hollywood “dolls” (Jean Simmons, not of Kiss fame), and gives us a different side of Marlon Brando as he attempts to sing and dance his way through Luck Be A Lady. I can’t WAIT to watch him in The Godfather after this!
Rosemary’s Baby versus The Wicker Man
Creepfest Winner: The Wicker Man
In Rosemary’s Baby, Mia Farrow is impregnated with (spoiler) Satan’s child. I understand this concept was pretty terrifying when it was released in 1968. Now, however, in 2020, the rise of the antichrist is both commonplace (after 15 seasons of Supernatural) and sometimes even comedic (Good Omens, both book and miniseries). What you are left with is not at all scary, but still qualifies as an entertaining and extremely well-made movie with subtle and artistic attention to detail.
The Wicker Man, however, is a movie that has sustained its creepiness over almost the same amount of time. Take careful note that I am not referring to the notoriously bad 2006 Nicholas Cage version (we are thinking about adding a Rule 6…) but instead to the original 1973 version starring Edward Woodward. I refuse to spoil the ending here, because wow! But I will say you’ll never convince me this movie wasn’t inspiration for the summer Burning Man festival.
There Will Be Blood versus Captain Blood
Winner: Captain Blood, by a LONG shot. This is barely even a contest.
Apart from the acting and the startling ending, I can’t figure out what all the fuss is about for There Will Be Blood. Daniel Day Lewis’s character is a power hungry oil tycoon and Paul Dano is a power hungry religious fanatic (so maybe the ending isn’t that surprising after all) but other than the two trying to out-power-grab each other, I’m not sure what I was supposed to get out of this. I’m thinking of retitling it to There Will Be Boredom.
Then there’s Captain Blood, a swashbuckling adventure (There Will Be Fun) starring Errol Flynn in a dry-run of his Robin Hood character. Flynn plays as a doctor-turned-pirate, sailing on the high seas and fighting for his freedom, his town, and his girlfriend (who else but Olivia De Havilland, practicing for her future role as Maid Marian.)
The Night Of The Hunter versus In A Lonely Place
Winner: Ummmmmmm ….
The Night of the Hunter is a dark movie. A psychotic con man tries to compel two children to reveal where their daddy hid money that he stole, after he (daddy) is hanged for his crime. When they refuse, he marries and then kills their mom, and eventually resorts to hunting them across the land after they run away. The happy-not-happy ending attempts to suggest that these two children will be fine, and not at all bound for psychotherapy for the rest of their lives.
In A Lonely Place is also dark, but has the decency to confine it’s morbid story to adults. Humphrey Bogart has a bad attitude and a worse temper, and as a result is suspected of committing a murder that he did not, in fact, commit. He gains a happy alliance and an alibi in his neighbour, but his paranoia and anger eventually alienate her and lead him to an unhappy end.
The Graduate versus Breaking Away
Winner: Breaking Away.
The Graduate is a movie that doesn’t age well. Dustin Hoffman has an affair with Mrs. Robinson, a friend of his parents. You know her name is Mrs. Robinson because he calls her this 700 times throughout the movie (“Oh no, Mrs. Robinson”, “Maybe we could do something else, Mrs. Robinson”, “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson”. Etc. Etc. Etc.) This gets annoying pretty quickly. He eventually decides to trade Mrs. Robinson in for her daughter and the daughter is ultimately FINE with it. WTF? Boy, that’s gonna make for some awkward pillow talk…
Breaking Away, on the other hand, is more timeless, except perhaps for the hair and the ridiculous shorts. It’s a sweet movie pitting the local “townies” against Indiana University students in the annual Little 500 bicycle race. A real, heart-warming, underdog sports story. As an added surprise, it stars a young Dennis Quaid as well as introduces Daniel Stern (of Home Alone fame) in his first feature film.
The Heiress versus Babette’s Feast
Winner, and new crown jewel of Christmas movies: Babette’s Feast
The Heiress is a movie about a rich, but shy and plain-looking woman in search of love, but is held back by her overbearing father who assumes any suitor is just after her money because she lacks any other redeeming qualities. Thanks a bundle, Dad.
In Babette’s Feast, a poor refugee woman (Babette) is welcomed into a pious village community where she works for two sisters who gave up prospects for marriage to care for their father, the local minister. After winning the lottery, Babette offers to pay for and cook a most amazing feast for the village. Babette is loved and supported, and returns love and support to the community that adopted her. Take note, Heiress dad! Babette’s Feast is a gift; a beautiful movie, deliberately paced, and joyful. It’s a perfect Christmas movie, even though it has less to do with Christmas than Die Hard. It embodies Christmas spirit without ever having to blow up a building or put up a tree.
1. “There Will Be Boredom” needs to be an entire category for movie classification.
2. Where is “Blazing Saddles” on this list, and it’s many comparators?
3. Fun fact: Babette’s feast is based on a short story by Karen Blixen (Out of Africa). The movie is better than the story.
Oooh, maybe There Will Be Boredom can be part of a movie rating system I am building. So far I have the Old Yeller scale (how much a movie makes you cry), and the Prometheus scale (how much a science fiction movie sucks). 10 out of 10 is bad in both cases.