My Nerdy Friend

The race is on between 3rd wave COVID case records and vaccine rollout, and so far COVID is winning. We’re over a year in now, and I have no doubt you are wondering “which movies are the best for day 400 of a worldwide pandemic”? Well, look no further! Here is a handy list of COVID-positive movies for your reference.

In the Mood For Love (Fa yeung nin wah): Set in Hong Kong, this visually gorgeous movie follows the lives of two neighbours in a crowded tenement, Mr. Chan and Mrs. Chow, who believe their spouses are cheating on them. They find comfort in their growing friendship, but promise never to stray beyond that, so as not to become like their spouses. Why is this a COVID + movie? Because even though they fall deeply in love, they never actually touch each other (except for one hug which takes place outside). Also, it’s subtitled, and since you’ve got nothing else to do these days, you might as well sit back and read your movie.

Sergeant York: What better way to spend your 400th+ day of COVID than to watch the the life of someone who had it way worse than you? Sergeant York is the true-ish story of the military life of Alvin York who, after getting cheated out of the money he needs to buy some land and then being stuck by lightning, ends up getting drafted into WW1. Through a subsequent series of unlucky/lucky events, he eventually becomes one of the most celebrated heroes of the war. When he returns home, he gets his land, and lives happily ever after. Like maybe we will one day.

Things To Come: In 1936, HG Wells looks to the future and predicts some actual things to come: flat screen TVs, Jumbotrons, Segways, factory automation, underground drilling machines. In 2021, the world looks the future and hopes we can eat food inside a restaurant one day.

The Exterminating Angel: A very peculiar movie in which members of the Spanish elite class are guests at a dinner party and then find themselves unable to leave. Not because they are being held there against their will. They just cannot make themselves leave the room even to eat or use the bathroom. Every time they get close to leaving, they get distracted and end up staying put. At one point a goat wanders in (?) and so they slaughter it for food. Honestly, if this isn’t symbolic of 2020, I’ll eat my hat.

The Gold Rush: Perhaps the most famous of Charlie Chaplin’s movies, if only for the “roll dance” wherein Chaplin creates a dance number using forks stabbed into dinner rolls. Apart from being an absolute gem of a movie, there is much entertainment in watching Chaplin and his fellow prospectors invent ways to stay entertained while isolated in a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. You can then recreate these games in your own home, which during lockdown feels pretty much the same as his teeny tiny cabin.

Super Fly: Why binge-watch a season of Miami Vice when you can get the full Vice vibe from this 1972 movie about a cocaine dealer looking to get out of the business after he makes one last score. Ron O’Neal, sporting a fine biker ‘stache and sideburns, spends most of the movie just walking around to the music of Curtis Mayfield. Really, this was a 45 minute TV show that needed to be stretched into 91 minutes in order to qualify as a “movie”. Attempting to make something interesting out of nothing is exactly how my life feels at the moment, which is why this is a perfect pandemic movie.

Doctor Zhivago: An Omar Sharif epic is a fantastic way to spend an evening of lockdown, and if it can’t be Lawrence of Arabia, then it might as well be Doctor Zhivago. Some weird shit goes on – one character marries their cousin, another is molested by an … uncle? Maybe I missed that part while I was making popcorn. But weird shit aside, this is a classic, and unlike many movies of similar length, very little of it is wasted time. Better to make the popcorn before hitting play 🙂

Blue Velvet: First things first, this is not the movie about the horse. Secondly, I am retroactively embarrassed to say that all I really knew about this movie was from an episode of Friends. If you don’t know the one I’m talking about, all the better for you! Thirdly, I was mildly distracted by the amount of Twin Peaks imagery (crimson curtains, weird cuts, a dismembered ear, and Kyle MacLachlan) until I realized/read that Twin Peaks was, in fact, inspired by Blue Velvet. That alone makes it a COVID-friendly movie but add in Isabella Rossellini in a righteous wig and you have yourself a gold medal winner.

A lot of the movies we’ve watched lately involve themes of murder, which seems about right for the times, given how Covid has murdered our social lives. Here, then, are a few. [Updated: I neglected to include ratings. This has been rectified.]

On The Waterfront opens with an unfortunate dockworker being tossed off a roof in retaliation for his planning to testify against a corrupt local union. Marlon Brando stars as another dockworker who eventually finds a way to fight back against the corruption and avenge his friend’s murder. His famous line, “I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am” always makes me start singing the lyrics to “Something to Live For” by Barney Bentall (“…coulda been a contender, coulda been a big guy…”) Sorta ruins the moment, you know?

Rating: I continue to be impressed with Marlon Brando, and I haven’t even seen The Godfather yet! This is yet another Brando must-see. Just avoid Barney Bentall before you do!

Gaslight is the 1940 movie from which “gaslighting” gets its name and its definition. The movie is so named because the main character, a woman who is literally being gaslit by her douchey husband, realizes something is amiss because the gas lights in her house dim every evening for no apparent reason. The actual reason they dim is because said douchey husband is pilfering about in her attic looking for a secret treasure that she inherited from her aunt (who, it turns out, he murdered).

Rating: I was excited to watch this movie just for the cultural context, and ended up really enjoying it, and I loved the ending.

The 1985 movie Ran is what King Lear would be if it were set in Japan. In true Shakespearean tragedy form, eventually everyone is murdered.

Rating: While it breaks a rule on the runtime by a LOT (2 hours, 42 mins), I was remarkably engaged by this movie. Mieko Harada as the vengeful Lady Kaede is spectacular.

Charlie Chaplin plays Monsieur Verdoux, a con man who seduces women, marries them, and then murders them for their money. He’s the total package!

Rating: Charlie Chaplin gets one thumbs up on his own. Despite a storyline that seems dramatic, there is a classic Chaplin-style comedy scene when M. Verdoux’s real wife is invited to the wedding between he and one of his marks.

Suspiria (the 1977 version) witches curse a ballet dance school, causing maggots to rain from the ceiling, and dogs to kill their owners. For added gore, girls also fall through glass ceilings, and jump into rooms filled with razor wire while trying to escape the school grounds.

Rating: There’s nothing really wrong with this movie except it’s a bit …. 70s.

Badlands is a true-crime story of a couple who escalate bad behaviour into a cross-country murder-spree. The story is based on real life serial killers Charles Starkweather and Caril Fugate who murdered 11 people as well as 2 family dogs over a few weeks between Dec ’57 – Jan ’58. Other fun cinematic portrayals of these two crazy kids include The Sadist, Kalifornia, Natural Born Killers, and Starkweather.

Rating: One thumbs down on principle, just for the disturbing content.

In The Searchers, Ethan Edwards, played by cowboy poster-boy John Wayne, returns home to find his family murdered and his home in flames, in a manner reminiscent of Luke Skywalker discovering his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, also murdered and on fire. The killers in this case turn out to be a band of Comanches who also kidnap Ethan’s 9 year old niece (played by Lana Wood, and in later years, by her older sister Natalie – the movie is a bit of a family affair as Wayne’s son Patrick also has a role). Ethan and his sidekick spend the next 5 years searching for his niece, with Ethan intending to kill her himself if she has become too “indian”. This all seems pretty somber, what with all the positive race representation, but the biggest surprise is that this movie is littered with unexpected comedic moments. Totally worth a watch.

Rating: Keeping in mind the year this movie was made (1956) and taking the racial tones into context, this really is a solid John Wayne movie. Maybe 1.5 thumbs instead of 2 (but I don’t have a half-thumbs-up icon)

The Big Heat stars Glenn Ford as Sergeant Dave Bannion, a good cop who is assigned to investigate the alleged suicide of a fellow officer. Bannion quickly determines this was no suicide, and as more people are killed, including his wonderfully charming wife (doesn’t that just figure) in a bombing intended for him, Bannion goes on a revenge mission to bring down the bad guys, who turn out to also be cops.

Rating: Just a solid good-cop movie.

The Lady From Shanghai seems like it should be an awesome movie, full of double cross and intrigue, and starring Hollywood sweetheart Rita Hayworth and filmmaking icon Orson Welles. But in reality, it is a bizarre and often confusing romp. Rumour has it that Welles threw this together in order to quickly raise the money he needed to fund his musical Around The World in 80 Days, leaving my wondering why this movie made the 1001 Movies list? Even the book describes it as a crazy, hard-to-follow kaleidoscope.

Rating: It’s just such a weird movie …. !

Of all the Stephen King movies, The Shining is perhaps the best (or at least my favourite), despite “winning” two Razzies in 1981. King was allegedly not enamoured with it, but as evidenced by Maximum Overdrive, he’s no expert in masterpiece filmmaking (my experience with Stephen King is that he is too attached to his own visualizations of his books and doesn’t understand that interpretations may vary). The brilliance of this movie shines (you heard me) with the unbroken takes of Danny riding his big wheel through the interconnect halls of the hotel, Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of his character’s descent into madness, the blood filled elevators, and Shelley Duvall in the Heeeere’s Johnny scene.

Rating: I love this movie. Love it.

Here is a quick refresher of the Barrett/Zaleski (mostly Barrett) family movie rules. They are standing the test of time pretty well, although Nicolas Cage in a strong contender to replace Kevin Costner in rule 4, mostly because of Face/Off. (Never watch this. You’ve been warned.) Let’s see how these eight movies stack up.

The English Patient. In the first 5 minutes, Ralph Fiennes’ biplane is shot down and he is burned beyond recognition, transmogrifying into Lord Voldermort. For the next 157 minutes, I finally understood Elaine Benes’s critique (“Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!”). Ah Elaine, not afraid to break with popular opinion. It’s not a terrible movie, it’s just terribly long. Broken rules: 1) It won 9 Oscars, including Best Picture and the dreaded Cinematography, and 2) It has a run time of almost three hours (why? WHY??).

Spartacus. Spartacus escapes his slavedom, rallies his fellow escaped slaves into forming an army to revolt against a corrupt Roman empire, their revolt fails, and they’re all crucified. The End. (errrr, spoilers ….) On the up side, the casting was magnificent, giving credit where credit is due, no pun intended. Broken Rules: 1) Tops out at 3 hours and 17 minutes and 2) Another 4 Oscars that predictably includes Cinematography. There must be more to Cinematography than long, drawn-out landscape scenes, right? Uuuggggghhhh.

My Fair Lady. Impressive effort was put into trying to ruin this excellent musical. Most significantly, they dubbed the singing of all of the actors who can actually sing, and then didn’t bother dubbing Rex Harrison who speaks all his lyrics because he can’t sing. They also passed on casting Dame Julie Andrews and instead dubbed Audrey Hepburn with a singer who sounds EXACTLY like her. Broken rules: 1) Once again it’s toooooo long at 2 hrs 50 mins, 2) it won 8 Oscars including the Picture/Cinematography combo that is the harbinger of movie awfulness. On a side note, the costumes in the Ascot horse race scene are just WOW!

The African Queen. The title of this movie is a reference to Katharine Hepburn, obviously. By sheer coincidence, the boat Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart ride down the river is also called The African Queen. Unless, hang on, the boat is also named for Katharine Hepburn! The movie was filmed in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Congo and Uganda. Hepburn and Lauren Bacall, who travelled to the location with husband Bogart, both loved Africa despite heat, danger, and illness. Bogart, on the other hand, reportedly hated it. Broken Rules: Humphrey Bogart won his only Oscar for best actor, and for all you trivia buffs, is the last actor born in the 19th century to win.

Clueless. A surprisingly sweet movie about a seemingly shallow high school in-crowd, but it turns out that the Queen Bee, Cher (Alicia Silverstone), just wants everyone to be happy and falls over herself to make that happen. Definitely a way nicer (and nicer looking) in-crowd than what my high school had! Broken rules: none.

Swing Time. This is the first movie I’ve seen that stars the iconic Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Much of the movie plot seems to be have been stolen by our Christmas favourite, Holiday Inn, including an awkward black face scene that contains plot points crucial enough to the story that if you were to cut the scene you might as well just not show the movie. Which is the choice that a lot of television has apparently made, making this a difficult movie to find. I want to say the choice is unfortunate because this is a beautiful movie to watch, particularly for the dancing. There are times when you’d swear Fred and Ginger’s feet weren’t even touching the floor. Broken Rules: One – it wins the Oscar for best music (and it gets a pass for this).

Miracle on 34th Street. A perfectly Christmas-y court room drama proving Santa is real because the U.S. Post Office delivers him mail. A must-watch movie in the holiday rotation! Broken Rules: Edmund Gwenn won the Oscar for best supporting actor for playing Kris Kringle and it that’s not deserving I don’t know what is.

Cat People. (The one from 1942, not the one from 1982 – this is an important point) A Serbian immigrant thinks she has inherited a Serbian curse that turns her into a murderous panther in moments of intimacy. Her newly-wedded husband is like “cool, we can just never kiss, I love you THAT much”. As a significant psychological horror influencer, this movie is worth a watch. Broken Rules: literally none.

It’s hard to write funny when we are in our 10th month of COVID isolation and boredom, and I apologize in advance for that. At the same time, there’s a vaccine (actually at least three of them) and we are about to bid a not-so-fond farewell to the year 2020. Hello twenty-twenty-won, and goodbye twenty-twenty-lost! In honour of what will no doubt be a year of 2021 v 2020 comparative hopes and dreams and crap, I thought I would pit a few of our movies in a similar spy versus spy style contest. Let’s see who comes out on top.

The Philadelphia Story versus High Society

Winner: High Society, but really just because of Louis Armstrong.

Choosing between these two movies is tough. They are the same movie (literally, the exact same movie). On the one hand, The Philadelphia Story stars Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, and James Stewart. On the other hand, High Society stars Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly, and Frank Sinatra. However, High Society is also a musical (!!!) AND it includes extra-special guest star Louis Armstrong as part of the musical flair. One knock against High Society is that Grace Kelly’s love interests were respectively 14 and 27 years older than her, while the three leads in The Philadelphia Story are all in their mid 30s. This is a recurring theme in Hollywood as we all know. Older men = sexy and attractive, older women = yucky and invisible.

Meet Me In St. Louis versus Guys and Dolls

Winner: Guys and Dolls

Musical versus musical, another tough choice. Meet Me In St. Louis follows the everyday life (and love life) of the Smith family, including Judy Garland as one of four sisters, in the year prior to the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair. While it features a few familiar songs – Meet Me in St. Louis, Louis and The Trolley Song – it’s most renowned for Judy Garland’s rendition of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. (Quick bit of trivia – the original lyrics were significantly more sombre, and more apropos of 2020 TBH, but Garland thought they were too depressing and asked that they be rewritten.) Meanwhile, Guys and Dolls is a surprisingly charming movie, from the attempts by the “guys” to find a home for a floating craps game to the “dolls” either wanting to get married or convert everyone to the church. It also adds another entry to my growing list of favourite Hollywood “dolls” (Jean Simmons, not of Kiss fame), and gives us a different side of Marlon Brando as he attempts to sing and dance his way through Luck Be A Lady. I can’t WAIT to watch him in The Godfather after this!

Rosemary’s Baby versus The Wicker Man

Creepfest Winner: The Wicker Man

In Rosemary’s Baby, Mia Farrow is impregnated with (spoiler) Satan’s child. I understand this concept was pretty terrifying when it was released in 1968. Now, however, in 2020, the rise of the antichrist is both commonplace (after 15 seasons of Supernatural) and sometimes even comedic (Good Omens, both book and miniseries). What you are left with is not at all scary, but still qualifies as an entertaining and extremely well-made movie with subtle and artistic attention to detail.

The Wicker Man, however, is a movie that has sustained its creepiness over almost the same amount of time. Take careful note that I am not referring to the notoriously bad 2006 Nicholas Cage version (we are thinking about adding a Rule 6…) but instead to the original 1973 version starring Edward Woodward. I refuse to spoil the ending here, because wow! But I will say you’ll never convince me this movie wasn’t inspiration for the summer Burning Man festival.

There Will Be Blood versus Captain Blood

Winner: Captain Blood, by a LONG shot. This is barely even a contest.

Apart from the acting and the startling ending, I can’t figure out what all the fuss is about for There Will Be Blood. Daniel Day Lewis’s character is a power hungry oil tycoon and Paul Dano is a power hungry religious fanatic (so maybe the ending isn’t that surprising after all) but other than the two trying to out-power-grab each other, I’m not sure what I was supposed to get out of this. I’m thinking of retitling it to There Will Be Boredom.

Then there’s Captain Blood, a swashbuckling adventure (There Will Be Fun) starring Errol Flynn in a dry-run of his Robin Hood character. Flynn plays as a doctor-turned-pirate, sailing on the high seas and fighting for his freedom, his town, and his girlfriend (who else but Olivia De Havilland, practicing for her future role as Maid Marian.)

The Night Of The Hunter versus In A Lonely Place

Winner: Ummmmmmm ….

The Night of the Hunter is a dark movie. A psychotic con man tries to compel two children to reveal where their daddy hid money that he stole, after he (daddy) is hanged for his crime. When they refuse, he marries and then kills their mom, and eventually resorts to hunting them across the land after they run away. The happy-not-happy ending attempts to suggest that these two children will be fine, and not at all bound for psychotherapy for the rest of their lives.

In A Lonely Place is also dark, but has the decency to confine it’s morbid story to adults. Humphrey Bogart has a bad attitude and a worse temper, and as a result is suspected of committing a murder that he did not, in fact, commit. He gains a happy alliance and an alibi in his neighbour, but his paranoia and anger eventually alienate her and lead him to an unhappy end.

The Graduate versus Breaking Away

Winner: Breaking Away.

The Graduate is a movie that doesn’t age well. Dustin Hoffman has an affair with Mrs. Robinson, a friend of his parents. You know her name is Mrs. Robinson because he calls her this 700 times throughout the movie (“Oh no, Mrs. Robinson”, “Maybe we could do something else, Mrs. Robinson”, “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson”. Etc. Etc. Etc.) This gets annoying pretty quickly. He eventually decides to trade Mrs. Robinson in for her daughter and the daughter is ultimately FINE with it. WTF? Boy, that’s gonna make for some awkward pillow talk…

Breaking Away, on the other hand, is more timeless, except perhaps for the hair and the ridiculous shorts. It’s a sweet movie pitting the local “townies” against Indiana University students in the annual Little 500 bicycle race. A real, heart-warming, underdog sports story. As an added surprise, it stars a young Dennis Quaid as well as introduces Daniel Stern (of Home Alone fame) in his first feature film.

The Heiress versus Babette’s Feast

Winner, and new crown jewel of Christmas movies: Babette’s Feast

The Heiress is a movie about a rich, but shy and plain-looking woman in search of love, but is held back by her overbearing father who assumes any suitor is just after her money because she lacks any other redeeming qualities. Thanks a bundle, Dad.

In Babette’s Feast, a poor refugee woman (Babette) is welcomed into a pious village community where she works for two sisters who gave up prospects for marriage to care for their father, the local minister. After winning the lottery, Babette offers to pay for and cook a most amazing feast for the village. Babette is loved and supported, and returns love and support to the community that adopted her. Take note, Heiress dad! Babette’s Feast is a gift; a beautiful movie, deliberately paced, and joyful. It’s a perfect Christmas movie, even though it has less to do with Christmas than Die Hard. It embodies Christmas spirit without ever having to blow up a building or put up a tree.

I present to you ten more movies, and just in case you (unlike me) don’t actually have 25 hours at your disposal, I have offered up some alternative viewing opportunities. One or the other should appeal!

A Streetcar Named Desire

Husband and wife Stanley (Marlon Brando) and Stella (Kim Hunter) have a classic abuse-pattern marriage. When Stella’s sister Blanche (Vivien Leigh) moves in to their tiny apartment, Stanley has somewhere else to redirect his rage and abuse. Throw in a baby and a shady past and you’ve got yourself a movie! I particularly appreciated the scene when Brando says the following about being Polish: “I am not a Pollack. People from Poland are Poles. They are not Pollacks. But what I am is one hundred percent American. I’m born and raised in the greatest country on this earth and I’m proud of it. And don’t you ever call me a Pollack.” I was “jokingly” called a Pollack by a friend in university (you know who you are, Ian) and I wish to death I’d had this quote in my arsenal at the time.

You could also watch: Seinfeld episode “The Pen”. Elaine yelling STELLLLA while on pain killers never gets old!

Freaks

An age-old story of a woman who seduces a man into marriage for his money, this time set with the backdrop of a circus sideshow. The cast is, in fact, almost entirely made up of well-known sideshow circus performers, including Siamese Twins Daisy and Violet Hilton, Living Torso Prince Randian, and Half Boy Johnny Eck. According to internet trivia, people’s sensibilities were quite offended when this movie came out. They were not, however, offended at the exploitation of differently-abled people for the purpose of profit and entertainment. No no no. They were offended at having to SEE the “freaks” on screen. Ah, people. This movie also takes the gold medal for cigarette lighting, when Prince Randian literally rolls over to a match box, removes and lights a match, and then lights his own cigarette. Seems pretty trivial until you realize that the Living Torso is, in fact, just a torso.

You could also watch: X-Files episode “Humbug”. One of my 7 favourites, along with the other 6 episodes written by Darin Morgan.

An American in Paris

Love triangles, older women with younger men, and a huge 17-min musical dance finale – this movie is all that!! There’s also a seductive chair-dance which seems pretty racy for 1951.

You could also watch: Flashdance’s “He’s a Dream” scene, available here on YouTube.

All About Eve

Margo (Bette Davis) is a Broadway star who attracts the attention of Eve (Anne Baxter). Eve manoeuvres her way into becoming Margo’s sycophantic assistant and then slowly appropriates her life. In an unexpected and yet satisfying turn, Margo seems to relish her expanding freedom even as Eve is increasingly constricted by the demands of fame and glory. Expanding Freedom is what I hope retirement is going to feel like!

You could also watch: “The Favourite”, a much stranger but equally dazzling movie about another assistant charming her way into favour that also turns out to be more than she bargained for.

The Killers

The movie story is told through a series of flashbacks, after Ole “Swede” Anderson (Burt Lancaster) is killed in the opening scene, while hiding out as a gas station attendant. Insurance investigator Jim Reardon tries to solve the Swede’s murder and find the beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Turns out the Swede’s glamorous girlfriend Kitty Collins (Ava Gardner) played a less-than-innocent part in his life of crime and ultimate death.

You could also watch: “Out of the Past”, where a gas station also serves as a place to try and disappear.

Out of the Past

This time it’s a private investigator (Robert Mitchum) looking to escape is past who is hiding out as a gas station attendant. Eventually his past finds him, and things go downhill. Kirk Douglas plays a bad guy, so you can continually be distracted by how much he reminds you of Michael.

You could also watch: “The Killers”. Maybe being a gas jockey isn’t the best way to hide?

Cabaret

A great but messy little movie about a messy time in history. The flamboyant and chronically flirty Sally Bowles (Liza Minnelli) performs in a Berlin Cabaret while the Nazi Party gathers footholds around the periphery of her life. The most shocking thing about this provocative musical is that I had never seen it before.

You could also watch: Schitt’s Creek episode “Life Is A Cabaret” where Stevie’s performance of Maybe This Time will bring a tear to your eye, unless you’re made of stone.

12 Angry Men

An accurately titled movie – there are men, there are 12 of them, and they are angry most of the time. Juror 8 (Henry Fonda) works to convince the others that at the very least, they should talk about the evidence since they are deliberating a murder trial. Meanwhile, the others try to rush to a verdict either because they have baseball tickets or they hate poor people. Much has been made of this movie as a framework for effective negotiating strategies (enough that I wrote a separate blog about it for work).

You could also watch: WKRP In Cincinnati episode “A Mile In My Shoes”

Bride of Frankenstein

What I appreciated most from this movie was not the origin story of Magenta’s hair in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Instead, it was that the movie used many of the bits from the book that were left out of the original Frankenstein movie. Particularly touching were the moments when Frankenstein tries to form some kind of connection with people, his only success being a blind man who was unable to see his face.

You could also watch: The Carol Burnett Show episode “Bride of Frankenstein” for a more humourous take.

The Haunting

Kind of a weird movie about a woman with mental issues who visits an alleged haunted house with a pair of ghost hunters. It’s not overly scary, unless the seemingly constant portrayal of women as psychotic and unbalanced terrifies you.

You could also watch: The Changeling. Now *that’s* a for-real scary movie!

Today, I shamelessly steal from my old movie critic heroes, Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. This assorted collection of 15 movies almost catches me up to the present. However, COVID rages on and we have a PVR loaded up with about 50 more movies to carry us through Christmas.

A couple of things to know in advance about classic Hollywood movies (“classic” = “old”, or perhaps “black and white”). 1) Villains always get their just desserts. This includes people who betray, cheat, steal, and rape (why, always, with rape???). 2) EVERYBODY smokes ALL the time. We have a new fun movie-watching game where we try to spot new ways of lighting matches. One of the best so far was a desktop Ronson Touch Tip lighter used in the Maltese Falcon. This vintage collectable is available on e-Bay for about $150-300. I’m seriously considering it ….

Atlantic City, USA

It is a lame, uninspired choice to use Good/Bad/Ugly as a movie rating system so I made a slightly adjacent choice. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is not so much my kind of movie (although there was a Bard on the Beach interpretation of Taming of the Shrew that was set in a the wild west, using this movie as inspiration, that might be one of the best things I’ve ever seen … but I digress). The Good, The Bad, and the Weird, however, is one of four excellent South Korean films* that I’ve seen and as a rating system I think it fits better. It’s not much of an improvement over “lame” but hey, it’s a pandemic and imagination is hard to come by.

A Trip to the Moon (Le voyage dans la lune)

The Good: This 13 min French movie from 1902 can be found on YouTube and you should definitely stop everything you’re doing right now and go watch it. It is fantastic, hilarious, and oddly ahead of its time in many aspects of travel to the moon (albeit not so much once they land there where they wander around breathing the “air” and encountering alien creatures.) You are probably familiar with this movie from the iconic image below. For 13 mins, you really should just watch it. 1902! Telephones didn’t even exist yet!

Diner

The Bad: A college buddy movie that struggled to hold my attention. TBH I’m pretty sick of guy buddy movies where the women characters (if there are any) are basically just props. Strangely, a lot of people seem to think highly of it. Who knows, maybe I slept through the important parts.

Gunga Din

The Weird: A strange romp through British-ruled India during a Thuggee uprising. It features the comedic antics of Cary Grant, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and Victor McLaglen, along with Sam Jaffe playing the title character, an Indian-native-British-soldier-wannabe, as they try to quell the Thuggee mob. The cherry on top of this peculiar sundae is that the story is based loosely on a poem by Rudyard Kipling, author of The Jungle Book. (A quick personal aside: Kipling also wrote the poem The Sons of Martha which, in 1922, became part of the Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer performed by Canadian engineers at their graduation.)

An American Werewolf in London

*The 4 Korean movies are The Host; The Good, The Bad, and the Weird; Oldboy; and Parasite. I can recommend them all, but be warned Oldboy is very hard to watch.

20 movies, 10-word reviews. In hindsight, I should have done haikus!

Giant – Texas rancher’s life seemingly unfolds in real time. Reeeaaaalllll tiiimmmmmmeee.

Some Came Running – Unrequited three way love triangle leads to tragedy. As usual.

The Thin Red Line – Three long, confusing hours about a long, confusing war.

From Here to Eternity – Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr make out in the surf.

His Girl Friday – Witty woman holds job as ace investigative reporter – in 1940!

Buffalo ’66 – Victim contracts Stockholm Syndrome after meeting her kidnapper’s psycho parents.

The Big Red One – Five infantry members survive war while others die around them.

Videodrome – James Wood’s stomach is a VCR player. Not a joke.

The Defiant Ones – Two escaped convicts overcome racism, become friends, to elude capture.

Fatal Attraction – Love me or it’s rabbit stew for dinner … stew, then?

The Lady Eve – Barbara Stanwyck hustles Peter Fonda; he falls for her anyway.

Arrival – Aliens arrive, conversation ensures, we bomb them. Seems about right.

Detour – When your hitchhike driver dies, best just call the police.

All that Heaven Allows – Family unimpressed when widow has romantic relationship with younger man.

Mad Max – Vigilante policeman fights biker gangs in Australia, spawns dystopian franchise.

Duck Soup – Marx brothers play at politics, never actually eat any soup.

The Evil Dead – The Bruce Campbell version of The Cabin in the Woods.

Do the Right Thing – 1989 racism unfolds just like it does today, in 2020.

The Fireman’s Ball – Firemen in communist Czechoslovakia throw a very unusual birthday party.

Hell or High Water – The Dude must rob banks to save the family farm.

There are a lot of movies that I have been wanting to see based solely on the fact that they contain a line of dialogue that made top 100 list of Hollywood’s best quotes of all time. I’m just that shallow. Luckily, 1001 movies seems to have included several (dozen) movies, possibly for this same reason, and so my need-to-see list has gotten notably shorter. What movies? I’m glad you asked!

Sunset Boulevard: All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.

Gloria Swanson delivers multiple award-winning lines in this movie, including “We didn’t need dialogue. We had faces!” and “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.” The movie is narrated by William Holden (Best. Voice. Ever.) who plays Joe Gillis, a down-on-his-luck writer who winds up in the clutches of Norma Desmond, who in turn is looking to make a comeback from her silent picture days of glory. Just your basic house of cards waiting for the catalyst to knock it all down.

Dirty Harry: You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?

This is Clint Eastwood’s best role ever. I’ll grant you as a close second the opening sequence of Sudden Impact (“Every day for the past ten years, Loretta there’s been giving me a large black coffee. Today she gives me a large black coffee, only it has sugar in it. A lotta sugar.“) Sure he was nominated for acting Oscars for a couple of other movies, but I stand by this claim.

The Maltese Falcon: The stuff that dreams are made of.

It’s a quarantine-perfect film-noir mystery starring Humphrey Bogart as P.I. Same Spade. He’s hired to find a gem-encrusted statue of a falcon, a gift from Malta to the King of Spain. His search takes him through complex trails of assassination, intrigue, and espionage.

Citizen Kane: Rosebud

By now, most of us know that Rosebud is the last thing Citizen Kane says before he dies, and we probably also know what Rosebud refers to, thanks to Fraser Crane on Cheers. However, the movie still manages to hold onto a few more surprises that make it worth checking out.

Silence of the Lambs: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Whenever I watch this movie, I am surprised at how good it is, because the book was honest-to-god awful. And sadly, it’s the book I always seem to remember (because of how awful it is). The movie is just full of crazy if you enjoy this sort of thing (like I do) – Ted Levine is making a skin suit, Anthony Hopkins eats people, and Jodie Foster goes off on her own to catch a serial killer.

Psycho: A boy’s best friend is his mother

A Hitchcock classic! Norman Bates is the quintessential mamma’s boy, and is also a psycho-killer which really rounds out his personality. There’s nothing more to say except that this is a MUST SEE movie if you are lucky enough to have never watched it.

This is Spinal Tap: The numbers all go to eleven.

Spinal Tap is a cult classic parody of life on the road of a heavy metal band. Despite the obvious comedy extremes (the band is on its 33rd drummer, because the 32 previous drummers inexplicably died), several famous musicians found it so close to the truth they initially thought it was a real documentary. A mildly disturbing thought.

Dracula: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.

There are more than forty(!) different variants of Dracula if you search IMDB, so to be clear, I am referring to the original 1931 version. In what might be the most perfect casting decision of all time, Count Dracula is played by the iconic Bela Lugosi, who never blinks once during the entire movie (true fact, trivia buffs!). Dracula is, of course, a vampire, and is sucking the blood of every young maiden he can find in order to turn them into young Lady Vampires. Fortunately Dr. Van Helsing figures everything out and saves the day with a handy wooden stake.

Frankenstein: It’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!

A 1931 classic Dr. Frankenstein builds Boris Karloff from dead body parts and brings it to life. Later, a mob of torch-carrying nazis…. sorry, villagers … hunts him/it down and burn him/it back to death. It’s a tale as old as, well, yesterday.

There’s no end of movies in the 1001 book of men behaving like big fat jerks. Here are seven of them that we “enjoyed” throughout pandemic house arrest.

Mean Streets – Harvey Keitel is a conflicted catholic/gangster, who places upon himself the penance of looking after his best friend, Robert de Niro, who is practising for his next role in the Godfather.

Heat – This time, Robert de Niro is a bank robber, and Al Pacino is looking to take him down. De Niro and his gang kill a bunch of people, including a number of cops during a shoot out which doesn’t seem to trigger the rage-vengeance you might expect. Meanwhile, an ex-gang member is making trouble, while murdering prostitutes on the side (which also fails to trigger any rage-vengeance). Eventually the good guys win, the bad guys lose, and all the women get abandoned. Much the better for them, frankly.

Scarface: The Shame of the Nation – In the original 1932 movie, Paul Muni becomes second in command of a Chicago crime syndicate but prefers the role of first. He kills a bunch of potential competitors, wants to date his sister, and steals his boss’s girlfriend instead. This is rumoured to be one of Al Capone’s favourite movies, which tracks, since it barely conceals the fact that it’s basically about him.

Paths of Glory – A glory-seeking general orders his army on a suicide mission, but the companies fail in their mission and fall-back after suffering major casualties. The general is angry about this loss of his anticipated glory and orders 3 soldiers chosen at random to be charged with cowardice and executed. Kirk Douglas steps in to defend them while Richard Anderson (of “gentlemen, we can rebuild him” fame) pretends to prosecute in a sham trial that has already been decided. ASIDE: Despite the badly behaved men, this movie is actually quite fantastic, a stirring war-opic, and well worth watching.

Peeping Tom – Karlheinz Bohm plays sociopath Mark Lewis, photographer by day and serial killer of women by night. In one memorable scene, he stuffs the body of a victim into a trunk and then does a photo shoot using the trunk as a prop. No mental problems there. Released in 1960, it is considered to be one of the first slasher films in horror movie history.

Double Indemnity – Straight-laced insurance salesman Fred MacMurray (My Three Sons) falls for the breathtaking Barbara Stanwyck and joins her in a plot to murder her husband. He convinces her to make the murder look like a train accident so that she can claim twice the payout on a life insurance double indemnity clause. Three guesses if their get-rich-quick scheme works.

Marnie – Sean Connery meets a feisty Tippi Hedren (Marnie), a small-time thief and defrauder. He falls for her immediately and, sensing hesitation due to a troubled past, quickly forces her to marry him. When he then discovers that she refuses to let any man touch her, he forces her to let him do so anyway, and then rapes her because, well, they’re married. When she tries to kill herself, he steps in to rescue her, perhaps forgetting that he is the cause of her current despair. Finally, in case his heroism is still in doubt, he forces her to confront her troubled past and magically fixes her. What a swell guy!